Mary Sue's A Succubus
by For Your Lungs Only
Summary: When a new detective joins the squad, Elliot falls in love with her and she tries to squeeze him to death. And the detectives try to rescue him from the evil succubus before it's too late. Extreme randomness.


**Mary Sue's a Succubus**

Captain Cragen looked around at his detectives. Today, they would be getting another detective added to their ranks. Today would be a turning point. Today, there-

"Can you hurry up and tell us what you called us in here for? I have to go pick up my dry cleaning," Elliot said edgily, looking at his watch.

Cragen frowned. "I was getting to that, if you would just wait," he said, scratching his balding head. What _did_ he call his detectives in here for again? Oh yeah… they were getting a new member. He would really have to stop having these brainfarts everyday.

Suddenly, day turned into night as everyone appeared mysteriously outside. Fireworks went off. The night sky was lit up with colors that would blind you if you looked at them too long. Expensive black tuxedos materialized onto Fin, John, Elliot and Cragen's bodies, replacing their dull law enforcement getups. The same went for Olivia, except she was in an elegant blue dress.

"Detectives of SVU, I introduce to you our newest member, Karolin Alexandria Komodo Quest Ardelim Crestwhitestrips Colorwave Johnson!" Cragen said, motioning to a strikingly beautiful woman who had just descended from the sky.

She had a heavenly glow. Her extraordinarily long name started with a K, as do most of the Mary Sues. Her flowing blond hair was past her shoulders. A golden aura surrounded her as she continued to descend from the night sky.

As she gracefully touched down on the earth, Elliot's mouth dropped wide open. The idealized version of some crazy fourteen year-old writer was just too much for him to handle. Forgetting the fact that she was probably only around twenty two years old (half his age), he nervously strutted over to her and said, "Would you like to dance, and ignore the fact that we are in the middle of the street?"

"Sure," Karolin said, her voice as sweet as honey. She was everything Elliot dreamed. They danced like idiots in the middle of the street, without any music and nearly getting hit by a taxi.

"Elliot, I'm so glad we had this chance. I love you!" She said, pulling him into a warm embrace. She squeezed him tighter and tighter. "Can't breathe!" Elliot gasped, his oxygen supply running low. "But I love you!" Karolyn replied.

"Let-go-of-me!" Elliot said, trying to wriggle free of Karolyn's powerful grasp. "No, Elliot," Karolyn said, her eyes turning from a sky blue into a devilish red. "I will NEVER let you go!"

"Dammit!" Fin said, clenching his fists. Everyone except Elliot and Karolyn, who were 'occupied', turned to face him. "She's a succubus," Fin explained. "She gets a man to fall in love with her, and then she drags him down to hell."

"Well, we've got to do something!" Cassidy said, appearing out of nowhere and stating the obvious.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Narcotics?" Olivia asked, staring at Brian. "Yeah, but I came back so I could get closer to you," he cooed. She kicked him where it hurt, and he doubled over in agony. Then he exploded into tiny bits, and was never seen again.

"Alright, let's get a move on," Cragen said. "Munch, you go to the nearest store and grab a large bucket of Red Vines. Olivia, you… Well, you just stand there and look at a distant object, like you always do. Either that or go back inside and flip through a file. Fin, you tell us as much info as you can on this 'succubus' and how we stop it."

For a moment, everyone was still and silent. "What are you guys looking at?" he asked, putting his hands on his hips. "Get the molasses out your asses and get moving!" he said angrily.

There was some shuffling and Munch headed down the street. Olivia frowned and fumbled with her hair. "Okay," Fin began. "There's usually one thing about a succubus that's, well, off." he said. Olivia straightened up. "Her name!" she exclaimed, still twirling her hair. "By the way… How do you know all this stuff about succubusses?" she asked.

"I watch South Park… religiously." Fin replied. "What we need to do is say her name backwards over and over until she goes back to hell. And we better hurry…" he continued, glancing quickly in the direction of the still struggling Elliot. His face was tomato red, and flames were coming out of the large pit that had begun to split open in the earth.

"Okay," Fin said, taking a deep breath. "Repeat after me. Nosnhoj Evawroloc Spirtsetihwtserc Miledra Tseuq Odomok Airdnaxela Nilorak."

Cragen and Olivia gave Fin a baffled, confused look. He sighed. "I'll write it down… and here comes John," Fin watched as John approached with a bag of Twizzlers. "Captain," he said, handing Cragen the bag. "They didn't have Red Vines, so I got you Twizzlers." A strange expression came over Cragen's face. Then, an angry one followed.

"NO! I don't want Twizzlers! I wanted Red Vines! Don't you ever, _ever_ give me this CRAP!" Cragen yelled, infuriated. He tossed the bag of Twizzlers into the flaming pit that was rapidly expanding. "No, never mind!" Cragen said at the last moment. "I still want my Twizzlers!" his voice faded off as he dived after the Twizzlers, jumping into the pit. A single puff of smoke appeared above the pit. Everyone turned back to face Fin, but only after watching Cragen fall to his doom.

"Okay, anyone have a pen and some paper?" Fin asked, acting like nothing had happened. "Here, I do," Munch said, handing him a blue pen and a memo pad. Fin scribbled down the incantation furiously. "We have to speed it up," Fin said, handing the pad back to John. "What? What are we supposed to do with this?" he asked, looking strangely at the garbled mess of words. "Just yell it. Together," he added.

They all headed over to where Elliot was getting hugged to death. Karolyn was now sporting a pair of demon horns on her forehead, and wings were beginning to sprout.

"Okay, ready? Olivia, look over John's shoulder." Fin said. "Nosnhoj Evawroloc Spirtsetihwtserc Miledra Tseuq Odomok Airdnaxela Nilorak. Nosnhoj Evawroloc Spirtsetihwtserc Miledra Tseuq Odomok Airdnaxela Nilorak…" They continued to say it in repetition, growing increasingly louder each time. "Noooooooooooooooooo!" Karolyn screamed, releasing her grip on Elliot, "I'm melting…" she melted into a small puddle on the ground, and the ground began to close as rapidly as it had opened.

All was silent. Elliot's three saviors looked on as Elliot gasped for breath. "Thanks guys," he said, smiling. "Let's all go home," Olivia said, and they all smiled and joined hands as they skipped down the road.

The End… or is it?

Cragen anxiously looked around at his surroundings. He was in a place where everywhere he turned, there was some kind of skeleton chained to the wall. He was scared, to say the very least. Flames eagerly danced about him, desperate to get to the living mass that was Cragen.

"Will you guys leave me alone?" he yelled, trying to protect his Twizzlers. "Muhuhuhuhuhahahahahaha!" a deep, baritone voice rumbled. "Oh yes… you will have your Twizzlers… and I shall have your SOUL!" Cragen whimpered and backed into a corner. "Okay, never mind," the voice said. "Actually, I just want your Twizzlers. You can leave Hell." Cragen dropped his Twizzlers and immediately headed for the skylight that was opening. "You have a nice day," the voice added as the Twizzlers vaporized and Cragen escaped into the daylight.


End file.
